Painful Truth: The best bad ideas for next year’s columns

To provoke discussion, you have to first provoke.

We could use some more letters to the editor.

Whenever this happens, it’s not the fault of the readers. It’s clearly the fault of the columnists.

A reporter’s job is to tell the truth in a calm, neutral tone, revealing fact while shedding light on as many sides of an issue as possible.

A columnist’s job is to tell the truth in a loud, angry, possibly deranged voice, in a way that makes you want to pick up something heavy, maybe so you can swing it at the columnist.

So here is a list of possible column topics for the coming year. Please print out this column and mail it back to the Langley Advance, with the columns that will make you angriest circled. Red pen is preferred.

• Beer tastes bad and you’ve all been fooling yourselves

• Why we must nationalize all cars

• Why you will be happier when hockey is banned

Doctor Who Cares, Am I Right?

• Why Stranger Things is secretly libertarian propaganda

• Why Stranger Things is secretly Marxist propaganda

• Prisons: Would they make great daycares?

• Raise the minimum wage to $40 an hour

• Child labour made this country great and it can do so again!

• Peter Dinklage: Not the best actor on Game of Thrones

• Original Battlestar Galactica was superior to Star Wars and Star Trek

• Were absolute monarchies really so awful?

• Why we must nationalize your pets

• Should it be ‘free’ speech or should we charge for it?

• Wine also tastes bad, by the way

• All who prefer pancakes to waffles should be exiled

• Men: are we really that necessary?

• Allow no new buildings of less than 10 storeys

• Eight-lane highways: Can they enhance the environment?

• Science proves cats, dogs, children, and most adults incapable of loving you

• Rich people deserve it all, stop whining

• Zucchini can and should replace turkey on our dinner plates

• Why we must nationalize Christmas

• Coffee also tastes terrible, FYI

Responses can be mailed to the Langley Advance, #112-6375 202 St., Langley, B.C., V2Y 1N1.

Just Posted

ODD THOUGHTS: Hi, I’m Bob and I’m a news addict

It’s dangerous to be a news junkie is this day and age.

Team BC advancing undefeated in junior nationals

A Langley-based team is 6-0, thus far, at the Canadian curling championships.

Langley serves as backdrop to pair of competing short films

In the 20th annual Crazy8s Film competition, two of six producers will be filming in Langley.

VIDEO: Rivermen back on the ice in Langley tonight

In their game against West Kelowna tonight, Langley’s junior A hockey team gets into action at 7:15.

Louder helicopter partly to blame for rash of complaints in Surrey: RCMP

Police say helicopter training is conducted in Cloverdale because it’s ‘a very practical area where we do a lot of real police work’

VIDEO: Here’s what the B.C. legislature officers are accused of buying

Personal trips, purchases, alcohol and more laid out in 76-page report by Plecas

VIDEO: Soon-to-be-extinct caribou moved to B.C. interior

The three caribou are being held in pens north of Revelstoke

Man pulls over to help injured owl, gets hit by SUV

Chase RCMP say owl flew away while they were on scene

B.C. cop who assaulted homeless man may avoid criminal record

Kamloops RCMP Const. Todd Henderson was charged with one count of assault causing bodily harm

Thunderbirds excited to fly over Fraser Valley at Abbotsford airshow

Members of U.S. Air Force aerial performance troupe visited town to scope out the airfield

Four students sent to hospital after school bus crash in Mission

Mission RCMP say hospitalization a precaution, 14 students were on board

5 to start your day

Court hears South Surrey mother ‘never called 911’ after killing daughter, Four students sent to hospital after school bus crash in Mission and more

B.C. dairy farmers say milk cup is half full in new Canada Food Guide

Despite what seems like a demotion, B.C. Dairy Association insists its inclusion is still integral

Most Read