Painful Truth: Hunt the elusive 1967 Beetle!

There’s bacon at large in British Columbia.

As of last week, it’s now legal (if you have a hunting licence, etc.) to hunt down feral pigs anywhere in the province. Forests, fields, underground parking lots, in their nesting sites high in the boughs of the mighty Douglas fir… I don’t know much about the habits of wild pigs, actually.

Anyway, a friend of mine suggested that we could skip a step and hunt them with flamethrowers. Instant crackling! I immediately lunged for my eBay account and bought a Churchill Crocodile, a WWII British tank with a flamethrower mounting.

It then occurred to me that the SPCA might not look too kindly on my new hunting scheme.

Instead, I decided to look up what other animals you can hunt anywhere in B.C.

This list is known as Schedule C, and it’s surprisingly long.

There are animals here that would make for a fine redneck roadkill buffet. You can hunt the American bullfrog or green frog, snapping turtles, the North American opossum, and a variety of invasive rabbits, squirrels, and something called a nutria – which is either a South American rodent of unusual size, or a seven-eyed warrior alien from the planet Nutronius.

All hail Glarb, Emperor of Nutronius!

If you click on the secret link on the page (you know about the secret links that the Illuminati put on all government web pages, right?) you can find a further list, Schedule Z, of some other things it’s legal to hunt in B.C.

• 1967 model Volkswagen Beetles

They can be hunted for their hide, or as it’s sometimes known, upholstery. Hunting season lasts from April 1 to March 30 every year, on odd-numbered days. Please be careful – the 1965, ’66, and ’68 model years are protected species.

• El Chupacabra

The infamous goat-sucker of the Mexican-American border region is considered a threat to livestock. It can be hunted at any time of year, but only after dark, using grainy nightvision cameras. Actually capturing a clear image of the Chupacabra is forbidden, but hunters are encouraged to claim that the mange-ridden coyote they saw was, in fact, the deadly cryptid.

• Sasquatch

As with the Volkswagen, only some sub-types can be legally trapped, and all trapping must be by humane methods, preferably using large cages baited with peanut butter sandwiches (no crunchy peanut butter).

The sasquatches, descended from Pleistocene apes such as Gigantopithecus, or from early hominins such as Australopithecus, can be trapped Sept. 15 to Nov. 15. Sasquatches which are actually extradimensional visitors, psychic Atlanteans, misidentified bears, and large, bearded men may not be trapped.

• Ennui

The sense that life is a never-ending wasteland in which little can be accomplished, and even less that is meaningful, may be hunted throughout the year. But what’s the point, really? Each tick of the clock brings us closer to the grave, and each pleasure we experience can only be dulled by repetition. Life is a never-ending toil, a Sisyphean struggle against inevitable failure.

Weapons approved for fighting ennui include puppies, skydiving (not to be used together), and the novels of Jean-Paul Sartre.

Although it’s not an approved hunting method for any of the Schedule Z items, I should also note that I have a slightly used Churchill Crocodile, faint smell of gas and singed previous occupant, $500,000 OBO.

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